It’s official now. I’m not particularly ecstatic about my birthday today. It’s the first time I’ve felt such despair. I know it’s childish but I was secretly hoping despite everything you’d still be the first to wish me a happy birthday right at midnight, down to the very second as in past years when we were apart/not talking. But you didn’t. Should have known considering but I’m a hopeless romantic; and as fucked up as it is I would have treasured that more then any other wish today. It’s the first time in six years though. Suppose its the mark of a new way of life without you now. I need to remember this. You asked me if you deserved better. And I never felt good enough for you, anyways. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I still remember last year so clearly. Its ridiculous to me that an entire year has passed already. Every day is is right there on the cusp of my memory like it’s almost not even happened yet. So surreal.
I rolled on my birthday last year. A good portion of my day was spent that way. I can even remember the shower I took because it was the first time I rolled so powerfully that my bathroom was so warm and golden. And the dubstep music just wrapped its self around me and my life wasn’t important anymore. Who I was didn’t matter. The feelings that I felt and the beauty—ahh, its seriously still one of the best showers I have ever taken. I recall dinner with dad, I chatted the entire time about work and how weird it was that it’d been raining in December with all the holiday decor up. Made it feel like we lived in Florida I recall saying. Haha. Then I went to a friends and rolled the night away. It was perfect. Even now I’m sitting here just envious of how beautiful it was. I hope I can make twenty-five as lovely as twenty-three, actually pure magical wonder and glitter and kittens and rainbows is more like it. Perfect would pale in comparison then. A quarter of a century old deserves all of those at least~ But I’m twenty-four today, not twenty-five, so…
I don’t know really. It’s bittersweet. I’m fairly certain what sort of day I’ll have because I have this mindset already of what kind of day I don’t want, which is what I’m expecting to have—so I probably will. I’m just stuck in this melancholy mood and don’t know how to shake it. I only want one thing today and that’s to not feel lonely. So stupid. I always feel lonely. Its the only thing I never accomplish. Its why I rolled last year a majority of the day. Its the only time I feel safe. And happy. Its my sweetest downfall.
Here’s to another year of persevering, no matter what~